By looking at this screen, breathing nearby, or thinking about a digital grid, you agree to these Absurd Terms of Use.
If you do not agree, you must immediately feed your router a spoonful of organic honey and whisper "I am sorry" to your webcam.
1. Acceptance of Terms
By clicking anywhere on this site, or failing to click within four seconds of loading, you enter into a binding psychic contract with the Grand Digital Void. This agreement is governed by the laws of international waters, specifically the jurisdiction of trained dolphins.
2. Intellectual Property & Brain Taxation
All text, pixels, and structural code on this website belong strictly to us.
- Thought Theft: If you memorize a sentence from this website, we legally own that specific corner of your brain.
- Brain Rent: You are required to pay us 3.5 imaginary dollars per month for storage space.
- Dream License: We reserve the right to place 15-second unskippable video advertisements inside your dreams.
3. Prohibited User Conduct
When navigating our digital borders, you must strictly avoid the following malicious behaviours:
- Aggressive Blinking: Do not blink more than 22 times per minute while reading our articles.
- Incorrect Seating: You must not view this website while sitting comfortably. You must maintain a slight, suspenseful crouch.
- Vowel Hoarding: Users are prohibited from typing more than four vowels in a row in the comment section.
- Chronological Disobedience: Do not attempt to read the paragraphs bottom-to-top. This risks reversing local time.
4. Mandatory Subscription Tiers
Your free account has expired. You have been auto-enrolled into our Sub-Plutonium Premium Tier.
- Monthly Fee: The fee is two secrets and a shiny button.
- Collection Method: We do not use credit cards. A representative named Barnaby will manifest near your kitchen sink at 3:14 AM to collect payment. Please do not look him in the eyes.
5. Limitation of Liability
We are absolutely not responsible for any cosmic anomalies resulting from the use of our website. This includes, but is not limited to:
- Spontaneous levitation of your household pets.
- Your left shoe turning into a baked potato.
- Suddenly remembering how to speak ancient Aramaic.
- The sudden, inexplicable disappearance of Tuesdays.
6. Termination of Account
We reserve the right to ban you from this website for any reason, or no reason at all. Specifically, your account will be immediately deleted if we find out you prefer crunchy peanut butter over smooth, or if your aura vibrates at a frequency that upsets our office plants.
