Donald Donaldsons Soapy Brush

THE BELGRAVIA CHRONICLE: 
Local Director Demands Absolute Perfection,
with Hot and Soapy Conditions

LONDON — Disgraced 1970s auteur and current direct-to-animal visionary Donald Donaldson has set his artistic sights on a new project, reportedly cornering an unsuspecting local citizen named Stephen on a highly private, extremely weighty telephonic exchange.

Leaning heavily into his receiver while adjusting a signature red bobble balaclava, the eccentric director made it immediately clear that he has no time for artistic compromises—or clothing.

Donald's Masterclass Dial-In

• Locate target: Find man with fantastic buttocks.
• Discuss filth: Assess bedroom window grime.
• Procure props: Secure standard kitchen cling film.
• Initiate dialogue: Keep conversation intense and rabbit-like.

"My Windows Are Filthy, Stephen"

According to intercepted transcripts, the call began with Donaldson attempting to establish proper artistic boundaries before quickly pivoting into residential maintenance logistics.

"Hello, hello, hello, hello, yes, is that Stephen?" Donaldson purred over the line. "I’m in Belgravia. I’ve seen you out there on the street, Stephen, walking past with your long soapy brush. I wondered to myself: who is that man with the fantastic buttocks?"

Stephen, a man who allegedly only wanted to give a quote on structural brickwork, was immediately subjected to Donaldson’s intense cinematic vision for the upper floors.

"Tell me, do you do inside windows as well?" Donaldson continued, his voice dropping an octave into pure Hollywood theatricality. "It's my bedroom windows, you see. They're very dirty. Filthy, in fact. It’s getting harder for you, Stephen. I want you to come round, forget the glass, and just soap me up entirely."

The Cling Film Protocol

As Stephen reportedly struggled to find a calendar date to escape the conversation, Donaldson began detailing the exact props required for the performance, referencing common household storage units.

"Do you like cling film, Stephen?" the director asked with absolute authority. "In the kitchen drawer, right next to the cutlery. What's that blocking the way? It's the cling film I'm going to wrap around you, place between my toes, and whistle a tune. Do you know what tune I’m going to whistle?"

Witnesses report that Stephen quietly muted his phone to check if he had accidentally dialed a secure psychiatric facility, only to find Donaldson already humming a rhythmic melody about washing windows.

A Visionary Denied

When asked for comment regarding his aggressive phone-based audition strategies, Donaldson’s agency released a brief statement confirming that his creative decisions remain operating at 100% confidence, regardless of whether the recipient hangs up or threatens police intervention.

Interstellar and residential travelers alike are warned to keep their blinds drawn in the greater London area. If you hear a refined, erratic voice asking about the smoothness of your hands or the location of your kitchen wrap, drop the receiver immediately.